Dirty Work/Script
walks into work, dragging a girl behind him. Jude: straining "Had a rocking time. Catch you later." Rita: "But I have to walk you to your counter! How else will I know you made it safely to work?" Jude: "Um–" strains and manages to break free. "Well, first of all, I'm here. And, there's no girls allowed...in the store...on Tuesdays. Later!" turns around and finds her in front of him. "Gah!" Rita: "Just a little kiss for the road?" Jude: "I can't. That's uh, another rule. No kissing in the store." watches, smirking. Jonesy: "There's no rule like that here, Jude." Jude: aggravated "Oh, I'm pretty sure there is, dude!" sends his clingy girlfriend on her way and sighs. Jonesy: "Yikes! That was a level 5 clinger." Jude: "Cha! You're telling me. I've heard about chicks like this, but I've never actually met one." ---- thereafter, Jude is seen getting therapy from Jonesy. Jonesy: "Tell Jonesy where it hurts." Jude: "Okay. Every time I try to tell Rita that I want to break up with her, she goes all psycho on me and I lose my mojo." Jonesy: "Breaking up is an art. Luckily, it's an art I've perfected over many years of dumping weirdos." Jude: "I've only had one girlfriend. Starr. She was perfectly normal." Jonesy: sarcastic "Oh yeah." on the topic at hand "Okay. Let's look at this another way. Let's pretend this is like your reverse ollie with the fakie flip." Jude: "Okay." Jonesy: "You can do it with your eyes closed. But every time I try, I fall flat on my face." Jude: "Yeah?" Jonesy: "I can learn how to do a fakie flip, and you can learn how to break up with girls! All you need is practice!" Jude: "How 'bout instead, I just give you five big ones to do a fakie flip on Rita." Jonesy: the cash "You're on!" Jude: "Sweet!" Jonesy: "But just so you know, I would've done it for free." lunges for the bill. "Sorry, no refunds." Jude: to get his money back "No dude, mine! No!" ---- The opening credits roll. The title of this episode is '''Dirty Work' ---- ''Grind Me, Rita has gotten two coffees and is currently sitting on the couch. Rita: her watch "Wonder what's keeping Judikins?" Jonesy: down next to her "Judikins isn't here. And he's never gonna be here. You're finished. Finito. Kaput. Done like dinner. Seeya!" gets up and starts to walk away. Rita stares straight ahead, shell-shocked. Jonesy comes back. "If no one's gonna drink that..." gives him the coffee. "It's nothing personal. Just business. Enjoy your coffee." leaves to join the table of his friends, who are in another part of the coffee shop. Rita begins wailing. Jen: "Wow. That was cold." Caitlin: "Hmm. So's my chai latte." now, Rita has erupted into a full-out temper tantrum. Jonesy: "Like I said to Psycho Chick over there, it's nothing personal. It's business." idea strikes him. "That's it! Guys! This is the start of a whole new Jonesy money-making empire! Check it out. For the low low price of just five bucks, I will break whatever bad news needs to be broken, anyplace, anytime." Nikki: "You mean you're gonna do everyone's dirty work for them." Wyatt: "You sure that's a good idea, bro? You might make a lot of enemies." Jonesy: "No way, man! I'll be providing a much-needed service for the weak and spineless while making tons of coin!" Nikki: "In other words, you'll be the tactless unfeeling completely selfish person that no one else wants to be." Jonesy: "Totally!" Nikki: "O-kay then." sips her coffee. Caitlin: "The first batch of the Smashface cosmetics line goes on sale in ten minutes! It's so hot right now. Later!" Jen: goodbye "Good luck!" Jonesy: stretching "Right. Time to find some customers." Jen: up a five-dollar bill "Here. Can you tell my stepbrother not to leave his tighty whiteys on the bathroom floor all the time?" reaches for it. "Psych!" ---- and Tricia run up to the Smashface display to find that there's only one packet of makeup left. They look at each other, then the packet, then at each other again. They grab for it and tie and then begin to fight. Caitlin: "Let go, Tricia!" Tricia: "Back off, lemonhead. It's mine!" Caitlin: "But I saw it first!" Tricia: "Yeah? Maybe in your bed, where you're totally dreaming!" two continue to rampage around the store. A salesgirl watches, unsure of what to do. Caitlin: "It's mine! Mine! Mine!" salesgirl looks down and notices a bag. Diane: "Oh look, we forgot to put the last one out." quickly lets go of Caitlin and goes up to the register, where she takes the bag. Tricia: "Why thank you." the nametag "Diane. You're my new best friend." leaves. Caitlin: ecstatic "Yes! I'm gonna look so hot!" Diane "I'll take it!" ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is using a board to fold hoodies. Kirsten and Chrissy come up to her angrily. Kirsten: "The folding board is for the mini T's, not the relief effort hoodies!" Chrissy: "Maybe someone needs to repeat the remedial folding seminar this weekend." Nikki: "You're right. I better let you guys handle this." stops working, and the two clones smile. She heads to the front of the store. Stone: "Hey, Nikki." kiss. "We still on for the concert this weekend?" Nikki: "Well, you did get the tickets, so I suppose I'm stuck with you." Stone: "Ha ha, yes, I know. Perfection like this must be hard for you to live up to. We should try to get there around eight." Nikki: "Cool." kiss again, much to the two clones shock. Chrissy: "He's actually cute. What does he see in her?" Kirsten: "Maybe his mom dropped him on his head when he was a baby." ---- has set up a table in the mall and is now accepting applications for his services. Jonesy: a giant, oddly-colored rooster head as a hat "Our motto is we'll do what you're too chicken to!" Jude: Wyatt "What's with the crazy lid?" Wyatt: "It's Jonesy's new business. He breaks bad news to people for cash." old lady whispers in Jonesy's ear. Jude: "Sweet! So I was like your first official customer!" Jonesy: the phone "Sure, you can pay me later, Wayne-o." hangs up. "Jude! Get back to work!" Jude: leaving "You took money from Wayne to yell at me, bro? Not cool." Jonesy: himself to Wyatt "Hey, money's money. Next!" young woman comes up and puts money in Jonesy's hand. ---- Goldstein descends and exits an escalator. Once he gets off, he's tripped by a gang of girls. Stuart Goldstein: "Hey, what the–" gasps and turns to Nikki. Jen: "Did you see that? Those Escalator Girls think they own the mall!" Nikki: "So let them have the escalator. Who cares? They don't scare me." Jen: "Didn't you hear what happened to that girl Clara last year?!?" Nikki: "I thought she moved to Fiji." Jen: "That's what the Escalator Girls want you to believe!" Nikki: disbelieving "Right." Stanley: "Mommy, what happened to that lady's skin?" and Nikki look over and gasp as Yummy Mummy pulls Stanley along. Caitlin's face has suddenly turned brown, so much so that it almost looks like she's wearing blackface. Nikki: Caitlin opens the Big Squeeze "Uh, what's wrong with your face?" Caitlin: makeup "I look hot, don't I? I don't even need to look in a mirror. Smashface is so quality." Jen: "Uh..." Nikki: "Is it too late to demand a full refund?" Caitlin: chuckling "Please. Dark tans are so hot." Jen: "Maybe you should apply it to the rest of your body then." Caitlin: "Heh. I'm sure. Smashface is way too expensive to apply anywhere but the face." and Nikki look at each other and shrug. Nikki: her book "Khaki Barn prison duty calls." leaves. Jen: her keys "Yeah, I better get back too, before Coach Halder sends out a search party." keys slip off of her finger and fly away. They bounce and slide on the floor, ending up by the Escalator Girls. Jen: "This is so not good." ---- plays bongos. Jonesy jealously watches him from his table. Jonesy: "I have no idea what Nikki sees in that loser." Wyatt: chuckling "Why? Because he's not you?" Jonesy: "No! It's just–that–he looks like a jerk! I mean, who plays the bongos? And check out that stupid hair!" looks at him, bored. "Only a strikeout king would dress like that." Wyatt: "You sound like a guy who's still not over Nikki." Jonesy: a laugh "Please! Nikki was a phase!" unconvincingly "So. Over. Her." Wyatt: "Uh...yeah. So back to business. You've got a guy who hired you to tell his son he's grounded." Jonesy: "Boring. Got anything in a nice firing?" gives him a card. "Oh, yeah." ---- is working when Jonesy comes up to him and rips his Security Officer badge off. Jonesy: "Your boss hired me to tell you that you're 'a girly little excuse for a maggot.' Oh, and you're fired." next job has him comfort a crying girl in a blue dress. Jonesy: "There, there. Your boyfriend just thinks he can do better, that's all." her "Be strong, little angel. Be strong." Jonesy goes up to a guy with a mullet. Jonesy: "Hey, 1980 called, and it wants its hairdo back." cuts off the guy's ponytail. Mullethead: "Hey!" Jonesy: "So weak." sits down at a table to enjoy some fries. Jonesy: "Your mom thinks it's time you had a salad." steals Wayne's fries. At another table, Jason and Joanie are kissing. He shoves them apart. "Hey! You two! No one needs to see that! Take it outside already!" and Joanie leave, and the mall cheers him for doing this. ---- Underground Video, Jonesy and Jude are eating Wayne's fries while Wyatt sorts through Jonesy's work. Jonesy: "This breaking bad news service is the best job I've ever had! I just got dates with five different chicks on the rebound." Jude: "Sweet. Wait. Is one of them Rita?" Jonesy: "Ehh. Sorry dude. She's totally crazy, but still hot." Jude: "Better you than me, dude." Wyatt: "I dunno, Jonesy. You were pretty harsh out there." Jonesy: "Please! I'm just the messenger." Wayne: "You!" has arrived. "Gimme back my fries! I'm serious, man!" Jonesy: "Hey, I don't care if you're fat, dude, talk to your mom!" makes a run for it. Wayne chases him. Wyatt: "They always shoot the messenger." ---- Escalator Girls still have Jen's keys. Jen looks at them nervously as she knocks on the closed lemon. Jen: "Cait, can I bum a glass of water? Fear for my life makes me parched." opens the lemon and hands her a glass. Jen takes a sip and spits it out into Caitlin's acne-ridden face. Jen: "Caitlin! What happened to your face!" Caitlin: the water off "Ucch. I told you. This is just the new, more tanned me." Jen: "Okay, I really think you should look in the mirror." rolls her eyes but looks in her compact's mirror. She gasps and screams. Caitlin: "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" compact whizzes by Caitlin's face. Tricia storms up to her angrily. Tricia: "You're the one who told me about Smashface! This is all your fault!" Caitlin: "But–I didn't know it would do this!" begins to cry. Jen: "Okay, if it weren't for Caitlin, I'd so be laughing at you right now." angrily stomps away. ---- is running for his life. He spots some mannequins, pauses, and jumps into the display, pretending to model clothes. Wayne rushes by and stops, sniffing the air. Wayne: "I can smell you..." no response "No one steals my fries!" rushes off, and Jonesy heaves a sigh of relief. Jonesy: "Phew. That was close." comes by, chatting on his cell phone. Stone: "No way! Aw, that's great news, Jill! I am so stoked! I can't wait to see you, either! Love you too!" hangs up. Jonesy is following him. "Yes!" he stops. "Aw, man. Nikki!" turns into Jonesy. Jonesy: "Sorry man, didn't see you there." Stone: "Hey, aren't you that breaking bad news guy?" Jonesy: "Yeah. Aren't you that Nikki's boyfriend guy?" Stone: "Yeah. Looks like not for long, though." Jonesy: gasping "You're breaking up with her?" Stone: "Yeah. I just don't know how to do it. How much do you charge, dude?" Jonesy: "Uh, five dollars?" Stone: "Awesome." hands Jonesy a bill. "Uh, tell Nikki that it's over, and that I'm really sorry." Jonesy: "You want me to dump Nikki for you?" Stone: "That would be great, thanks." starts to move on. Jonesy: "Wait, why are you dumping her?" Stone: "My ex-girlfriend's moving back to the city. Nikki's great, but Jill and I have history, y'know? The only reason we broke up was because her dad got a job in Montreal. Thanks man. I owe you one." leaves. Jonesy: "Uh..." depressed "Oh beautiful money, what have I done for you?!?" ---- is sitting at the table, unhappy. Two girls are at the table next to his. Purple Dress Girl: "He totally stood me up. You're my best friend! What should I do?" flips through his cards and smiles. Jonesy: "'Scuse me, your boyfriend hired me to tell you he's been dating, well, her." gestures to the girl's friend, who gasps. "Personally, I think he's an idiot. You're way hotter. No offense." girl's friend gasps again. The girl in the purple dress then picks up the bowl of nachos and slams it down onto her ex-friend's head. She writes out her name and number on a notepad and hands the slip to Jonesy. Purple Dress Girl: "Thanks for telling me the truth. Call me." leaves. Jonesy: himself "Even scoring hot rebound chicks doesn't make me feel better." slams his head on the table. Jude and Wyatt arrive. Wyatt: "Well, if it isn't the grim reaper." Jude: "What's the matter, bro? Run out of customers?" Jonesy: "No, business is better than ever. That's the problem!" Wyatt: confused "What...happened?" Jonesy: "Money and chicks can't buy happiness." slams his head on the table again. Wyatt: "Okay, now I'm really worried." ---- and Caitlin watch the escalator girls warily. Caitlin has put on a wide-brimmed hat. Jen: "Last night I had to crawl in through the basement window. I was stuck there for six hours! I need my keys back! Help me, Cait!" Caitlin: "I'm not going out in public. It's too humiliating. I'm hideous!" covers her face. Jen: "Pretty pretty please? I need backup! Those girls are huge!" Caitlin: "Okay, fine. I'll help you. Just keep an eye on them till I get back from my cosmetician's appointment." Jen: "EEEE! You're the best!" hug, and Caitlin leaves. Jen notices some makeup smeared on her face. "Ew." ---- Kristen: "Have a Khaki Day!" the Khaki Barn, Nikki is helping a customer. Boring Customer: "What's better: pink with blue stripes, or blue with pink stripes?" Nikki: "Hmm, let's see. Both make you look shallow and self-absorbed." customer walks away angrily. Jonesy and Wyatt watch from the door. Jonesy wipes a tear away. Jonesy: crying "Look at her. So happy. So oblivious. She has no idea she's about to be dumped." Wyatt: "Maybe it's just like ripping off a bandage. Just get in there and get it over with! And be nice." walks up to Nikki and clears his throat. Nikki: "Hey, Jonesy. What's up?" Jonesy: "I–I–" smiles at him, an enquiring look on her face. Jonesy's lip trembles. "Aw, c'mere, you." pulls Nikki into a tight hug. Nikki: confused "O-kay." slaps his forehead in disbelief. ---- is at the spa with the cosmetician. Helga: "Okay. Let's see what we have here." Caitlin: "Brace yourself. It's really bad." Helga: "Helga has seen everything." removes her hat and sunglasses. "AAAAHHEEE!" Caitlin: "Is there anything you can do?" Helga: "I think I can help you." Caitlin: "Oh, thank you, thank you!" ---- then proceeds to give Caitlin several treatments in a row. The first is acupuncture. Caitlin: "I can't feel my forehead. Is it working yet?" this, Helga moves on to a plant-based facial mask. Caitlin: the air "Hmm. Weedy. Is it working yet?" moves on to a back massage. Caitlin: "Hmm. Umph. Ow. Is it working yet?" finally finishes. She unwraps a towel from Caitlin's head and hands her a mirror. Caitlin: herself "Please tell me it worked, please tell me it worked..." takes a look and gasps. "My skin looks exactly the same!" Helga: "No. All fine wrinkle lines are gone." Caitlin: "Wrinkles?!? I am sixteen years old! I CAME HERE FOR MY ZITS! AAAAH!" re-dons her hat and sunglasses and storms out of the spa angrily. ---- is hiding behind a pole. Jude: "Jen. What's happening?" Jen: "The Escalator Girls are holding my house keys hostage!" Wyatt: "You can kiss those goodbye." Jude: nodding "Seriously. This one time, my skateboard wheeled over there, and I just left it. Forever!" looks over. One of the Escalator Girls is balanced on Jude's lost skateboard. Green-Haired Escalator Girl: "–so I says to him, I says, what do you mean I have to–" Wyatt: sighing "Oh, yeah, I remember that. Their leader said if he ever tried to come get it, she'd stick it somewhere really painful." Jude: his head "I loved that board." Jen: "Cait promised to help me! I just hope she has a good plan." and Wyatt sigh in relief. Jude: "Whoo!" Wyatt: "For a minute there, I was afraid she was going to ask for our help." Jude: "Close one." Jen: sarcastic "You guys are a couple of real heroes." ---- and Wyatt pass the lemon. It is shut, and a note is taped to it. Wyatt: nonchalant "Lemon's closed." scared "Maybe the Escalator Girls have already gotten to Caitlin!" Jude: a note "Check it out. Lemon closed due to severe...ugliness?" phone rings. "Speak." Caitlin: "Jude. It's Caitlin." Jude: "Caitlin! You're alive!" Caitlin: "Yeah. I'm just too hideous to be your in-person friend. I can only be your on-the-phone friend." Jude: "Bummer." Caitlin: "Jonesy's not answering his cell. Can you deliver a message to him for me?" Jude: "Definitely." Caitlin: "Okay. You got a pen?" ---- walks up to Stone, who is waiting by the fountain. Stone: "So how'd Nikki take it? Were there tears?" Jonesy: "I dunno. Couldn't do it. Here's your money back." hands Stone his cash. Stone: "I don't accept your refund." Jonesy: "Yeah, well management reserves the right to refuse service." Stone: "If you don't break up with Nikki for me–I'll tell everyone you're dating five rebound chicks." Jonesy: gasping "That's completely breaking the guy code!" Stone: sinister "Watch me." Jonesy: "Whatever. Nikki's more important to me than some stupid business or rebound chicks. In fact, you know what? I'll save you the trouble." takes off his rooster hat. "Jonesy, you're fired!" throws the hat on the ground and storms off. Stone: "What a wimp. No big deal. Nikki can be...reasonable..." ---- the Khaki Barn, Nikki is showing how unreasonable she can be. Nikki: "You're dumping me! Wha–in the Khaki Barn?!?" Stone: "My ex-girlfriend's moving back to the city. I'm really sorry." Kirsten: Kristen "I knew it wouldn't last." wheels a table of socks to Nikki. Chrissy: "Here. In case you need to throw something. Go Nikki!" Nikki: "AAAAAIIII!" heaves a pair at Stone, who ducks. Stone: "I tried to get Jonesy to do it, and he just–" Nikki: "Oh-ho-ho, wait a minute. You did not just say you hired someone to dump me!" Kirsten: "Oooooohhh!" Chrissy: a bag of popcorn "Popcorn?" Kirsten: "Ssh! This is about to get good!" Stone: "Yeah, actually. I thought it would be easier hearing it from a friend. But the guy wimped out." Nikki: "I can't believe I ever actually liked you." Stone: "Hey, I was just thinking about your feelings!" Nikki: sarcastic "Right." Stone: "Is this how you treat everyone you like?" Nikki: "No. Only the people who really get on my nerves!" Chrissy: "It's true." and Kirsten nod. Stone: "You know what? I came here to explain why we had to break up, but I can see you're not interested." Nikki: "Got that right, jerk! AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHAAAAA!!!" throws a hail of socks at Stone as he flees the store. Jonesy walks in. Jonesy: "Hey Nikki. How goes it?" Nikki: testy "Great, except Stone's a big fat jerk!" unhappy "But–I guess you knew that already." Jonesy: "Yeah. For the record though, I never liked that dude. And I gave him his money back. So–are you okay?" and Jonesy look at each other and then smile wearily. Nikki: "Yeah. Jonesy? Can I ask you a question? You don't think I'm harsh, do you?" Jonesy: "Totally! You're a pain in the butt! And if Stone's too stupid to love it, then it's his loss. Don't ever change. Got that?" and Nikki hug. Nikki: "Got it. Thanks." Jonesy: "Anytime." continue hugging. ---- cries as the Escalator Girls shake him down for small change. Jen: "Oh, that's it! Picking on a little kid? Now they've gone too far!" starts to march over, but Wyatt stops her. Wyatt: "Wait. Are you sure you wanna do this?" Jude: "Yeah. We already have one friend we're not allowed to see anymore!" Jen: "Someone has to stand up to them! Before you know it, they'll be running this whole food court! Who's with me?" and Wyatt look around nervously. "Fine! I'll do this on my own!" walks over to them angrily. "Hey Escalator Girls! Put that kid down and gimme back my keys! NOW!" escalator girls quickly drop Stanley. Jen: authoritative "Now the keys!" gets them. "Thank you!" picks up Jude's lost skateboard and growls. She then heads back to her friends. Jude: "That was totally awesome! Ha ha ha!" hugs his board. Wyatt: "You did it, Jen! You stood up to the Escalator Girls! No one has ever done that before!" Jen: wearing off "I–I can't feel my arms." ---- but Caitlin is sitting around their usual table. Wyatt: a soda "Ugh. Nasty. I miss Caitlin's lemon squishies." Jen: "They're that good?" Wyatt: "No, but she gives us a deal on them. They're expensive." Jonesy: over a fiver "Here. The next one's on me." Wyatt: "Thanks. What's this for?" Jonesy: "Don't want it. Breaking bad news money. Bad karma, man." phone rings. Wyatt: "Hello?" Caitlin: "Care to contribute that five bucks to the Help Caitlin's Face Fund?" Wyatt: "Caitlin?" grabs his cell phone. Nikki: "Where are you?" Caitlin: "Don't try to find me, Nikki." hears Caitlin's voice close by. "I am too ugly to be seen in person." Nikki: "Caitlin!" drags Caitlin out from behind the Big Squeeze. Caitlin: "Hey!" Nikki: "Are you still wearing the Smashface?" Caitlin: "It's too expensive to throw out!" Jen: authoritative "The compact. Hand it over. Now." Caitlin: giggling "What's with the tough girl routine?" Jen: grinning "I'd listen to me if I were you. The Escalator Girls thought I was pretty tough." Caitlin: "Yeah. Only because I paid Jonesy five bucks to tell them that you're a champion kickboxer who killed a guy in a fight last year." Jen: "Jonesy!" Jonesy: "What can I say? Five bucks is five bucks." Jen: unhappy "And I thought they gave my keys back because I had the guts to stand up for myself." quickly snatches the Smashmouth compact from Caitlin's hand. Caitlin: "Hey that's mine, give it back!" heaves it towards the Escalator Girls. "Oh no." compact hits the ground and bounces, ending up at the girls' feet. One of them picks it up, and they laugh evilly. Caitlin: "Not the Escalator Girls." Nikki "I'll never get it back now!" Nikki: "It's time to let the Smashface go." recognizing Nikki's logic, smiles. ---- again there are five people by the Big Squeeze. This time, Jonesy is missing. Caitlin: "Free refills all around! My face is once again flawless!" Jen: "Can't say the same for the Escalator Girls." at the table look over. The Escalator Girls have suffered the same fate Caitlin and Tricia did. As the gang watch, the redhead of the group squeezes a zit, and it explodes into the tall girl's face. Green-Haired Escalator Girl: "Don't aim your zit pus at me!" Redhead Escalator Girl: sarcastic "Oh, my mistake, beauty queen." comes by. Jude ducks under the table to try and hide from her. Rita: "You're not invisible, Jude." Jude: "Heh heh. I'll just be sitting down again." resumes sitting position. Rita: "I'll just be hosting a killer party this weekend." hands out invitations. Caitlin: "Cool." Jen: "Thanks!" Wyatt: "Great DJ! We'll be there." looks sad, having not received an invite. Rita: "I guess...you can come too." gives him an invitation. Jude: "Sweet! Thanks, Rita." Jonesy: up "Did somebody mention a par-tay?" dope-slaps him. "Oop-aah-ah-oop!" his face "What the heck was that for?!?" Rita: sinister "Just a little message from all of us rebound girls to you. Only this time, it's not just business. IT'S PERSONAL! JERK!" angrily storms away as the table shares a laugh at Jonesy's expense. Jonesy: "Hey, that line is trademarked! Fork over the royalties!" stops to gaze at his friends, irked. Category:Season 2